You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
