Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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