she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
