his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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