do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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