Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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