The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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