The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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