dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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