Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
you will always have a special place in my vag
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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