I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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