You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
She made me pour olive oil on her.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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