You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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