If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
