wat bout pragnant strippers??
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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