Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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