is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
