i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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