is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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