she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
