Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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