Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize