I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize