Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
