It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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