Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
