Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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