i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
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