Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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