FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
