i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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