It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
