If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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