I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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