my shit smells like andre
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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