I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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