I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
