i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
