I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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