I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
