I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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