Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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