i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
