she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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