I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just gift wrapped bread.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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