No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
i've created a new STD.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
