Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
