Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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