I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Boobs speak an international language.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
