He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
