May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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