About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
