I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
