there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
