you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I can't put those talents on a resume
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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