I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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