Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
