I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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