Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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