I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
